Warren T. Rat Gets a Bath
Downstairs, the pot in the fireplace was boiling rapidly. Kairi immediately got up, changed back into her white top, purple biker shorts, blue belt, white slip-on shoes, silver necklace, black choker, yellow wristband, purple arm band, and two bracelets, and ran down stairs to it. She removed the lid from the pot, stirred it up, and tasted it. Meanwhile the seven woodland animals were peeking from the top banister where Stupid had stuck his head into a hole in it. They sniffed the air, breathed in deeply, sighed, and shouted, "Ahhhhh! Soup! Hurray!" Smart Guy, Warren T. Rat, Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, and Psycho, who were not stupid enough to stick their heads through the banister, ran to the table, each one stepping on Stupid's back. They were arguing over the food, each one wanting to be the first. "Wait for me! Duh, I'm coming too!" Stupid tried to follow them, but his head was in the banister. "Ugh! I can't--I mean--" After several bumps, his head finally popped through, and he flew backwards into the wall. "Here I come!" Aching from the pain, he ran down the stairs, only to end up tumbling. He got up and quickly ran to the table and into his chair, but his chair fell backwards, and he went rolling out of it. He stood up in his chair and sat down to join the argument. Soon, all seven woodland animals were fighting over bread rolls and knocking Stupid out of his chair again. "Hey!" They were just about to bite into them when Kairi stopped them. "Ah, ah, ah! Just a minute!" Kairi called to them. The woodland animals stopped fighting and turned their heads to listen. "Supper's not quite ready yet," said Kairi. "You'll just have time to wash." "Wash?" Smart Guy, Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, Psycho, and Stupid questioned in wonder. "Ha! I knew there was a catch to it!" Warren T. Rat grumbled, throwing down his spoon and crossing his arms in defiance. "Why wash?" asked Simon. "What for?" asked Greasy. "Duh, we're not going anywhere, are we?" asked Stupid. "It's not the New Year." said Smart Guy, as Greasy, Simon, Psycho, and Stupid shook their heads. "Oh, perhaps you have washed." Kairi smiled. Smart Guy pondered for a moment. "Perhaps we..." Then he remembered what Kairi meant. "Yes, perhaps we have!" "But when?" asked Kairi, crossly putting her hands on her hips. Smart Guy kept waffling about when he and the other woodland animals had already washed. "When? When? You said... Ah, last week, month, ye..., why, recently!" he finally said. "Yes, recently!" said Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, Psycho, and Stupid. "Oh, really?" said Kairi. "Let me see your hands." Smart Guy, Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, Psycho, and Stupid placed their hands promptly behind their backs and backed up a bit. But Warren T. Rat crossed his arms defiantly. "Let me see your hands!" demanded Kairi. Finally, Smart Guy held out his filthy hands. "Why, Smart Guy! I'm surprised!" exclaimed a shocked Kairi. Smart Guy giggled bashfully and his hands once again. Kairi looked at Simon. "Come on. Let's see them." Simon held out his hands as well. "Oh, Simon, my, my, my..." The chipmunk blushed and hid his hands again. Then she looked at Psycho. "And you?" Psycho held out his hands, and Kairi tsked at the sight. Greasy rubbed his hands on his pants and held them out for Kairi to inspect. "Worse than I thought." Kairi said sadly. Stupid held out his filthy hands. "Oops!" he said, as Kairi laughed, making him drop to the floor. Finally, Wheezy held out his hands. Kairi gasped at the sight of his filthy hands. "Oh! How shocking!" Wheezy quickly hid his hands. "Goodness me! This won't do at all!" said Kairi. Warren T. Rat looked at his hand and angrily shoved it back down. "March straight outside and wash or you're not gonna get a bite to eat!" Kairi ordered the woodland animals. Sadly, the woodland animals, other than Warren T. Rat, looked at Smart Guy, who nodded and led them outside the open door, whose doorknob was remarkably fixed! Naturally, Stupid was not looking where he was going and walked straight into the wall on the wrong side of the door, which is actually the closet for storing pots and pans. He ran out and around the door to the outside. "Duh, sorry about that!" he called. "Humph!" said Warren T. Rat, as he glared at the wall again. "Well, aren't you going to wash?" Kairi asked the cat. Warren T. Rat ignored her. "What's the matter?" asked Kairi, "Cat got your tongue?" Warren T. Rat only turned to face Kairi and stuck his tongue out at her. Then he stomped outside, only to bump into a wall, making her laugh. "Awwww, did you hurt yourself?" Kairi asked empathically. "Humph!" Warren T. Rat pouted. And with that, he marched straight outside, slamming the door behind him. He sat on a barrel, grabbed a slice of buckwheat cake, and stuck it in his mouth. "Humph! Girls!" "Courage, boys, courage," Smart Guy told his friends. "Don't be nervous." Warren T. Rat watched his friends approach an empty horse trough. They peered at the water nervously. Greasy stuck a finger in the water and swirled it around. "Gosh!" he said, "It's wet!" Psycho stuck his hand in it, too. He quickly pulled it out, shivering. "Brrrrr!" he complained, "it's cold too!" "We're not gonna do it, are we?" Simon asked nervously. "Well," Smart Guy. "It would please the princess." "I'll take a chance on her!" Greasy spoke up. "Me too!" Wheezy, Simon, Psycho, and Stupid said in unison. "Humph," Warren T. Rat said from on top of the barrel. "Her wiles are beginning to work! But I'm warning you, you give them an inch, they'll walk all over you!" "Don't listen to that old warthog!" Smart Guy said indignantly. Then he turned to face Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, Psycho and Stupid. "Come one now, boys!" "How hard can you scrub?" Psycho asked. "Will our clothes shrink?" Wheezy asked. "Do you get in the tub?" Greasy asked. "Do you have to wash where it doesn't show?" Simon asked. "Now, don't get excited," Smart Guy told them. "Here we go!" Then he began to sing. Smart Guy: Step up to the tub Oh! T'ain't no disgrace Just pull up your sleeves And pin them in place Then, scoop up the water And rub it on your face And go, "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, Psycho, and Stupid picked up five separate bars of soap and began working up a lather on their hands and faces. Smart Guy: Pick up the soap Now, don't try to bluff Work up a lather And when you got enough Get your hands full of water And you snort And you snuff And go, "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" '' In the meantime, the fly that bothered Wheezy returned by buzzing around Wheezy's head. Then it landed on the soap and started scrubbing. Smart Guy: ''You douse and souse You rub and scrub You sputter and splash All over the tub You may be cold and wet When you're done But you gotta admit It's good and clean fun So splash all you like T'ain't any trick As soon as you're through You'll feel mighty slick Warren T. Rat: Bunch of old nanny goats You make me sick Going,'' '"Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" Warren T. Rat then spat at them. Smart Guy then took a scrubbing floor brush and scrubbed Greasy's, Wheezy's, Simon's, and Psycho's heads. He tried to scrub Stupid's head, but he ducked several times, avoiding the brush. Smart Guy got mad and knocked Stupid into the trough with it. "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" he shouted underwater, kicking his legs frantically, as Smart Guy instead brushed his rear end with the brush. Meanwhile, Warren T. Rat was still making fun of his friends. "Ha! Next thing you know, she'll be tying your fur up in pink ribbons and smelling you up with that stuff called perfume!" Then he spat out the chewed part of the buckwheat cake. Meanwhile, the woodland animals went back to washing. While Smart Guy was cleaning Simon's glasses, Greasy shook like a dog to dry his fur, hair, and clothes and soaked Smart Guy. Stupid hit himself in the head to get the water out of his ears. Then, he shook his head, only to cause the water to slosh around. Finally, he stuck his finger in his mouth and blew hard, making the water comes shooting out of his ears. Psycho couldn't see, so, he grabs the first thing he touched to dry his face off with. It happened to be Wheezy's clothing. Simon couldn't see either and grabbed Wheezy's other clothing to dry off his face. This caused Wheezy to be lifted lift up off the ground. When Psycho and Simon were done, they dropped the blue weasel painfully on the ground. "A fine bunch of waterlilies you turned out to be!" Warren T. Rat said, still sitting on top of the barrel. Smart Guy glared at him. "I'd like to see anybody make me wash, if I didn't wanna!" "Hey!" snapped Smart Guy. But then he calmed down a bit, cleared his throat, and motioned his friends to come. Simon took the glasses from Smart Guy and set them back over his eyes. Then he and the weasels were all gathered in a football-esque huddle. Smart Guy whispered and pointed to Warren T. Rat, who didn't seem to notice. Greasy looked up and slightly laughed. Stupid looked up, smiling at Warren T. Rat, but Psycho reached up, grabbed his head, and dragged him back into the huddle. Whistling, Smart Guy, Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, Stupid, and Psycho made their way to the barrel to surround Warren T. Rat, who noticed that it was late. "Get him!" Smart Guy cried. Warren T. Rat tried to run away, but the others quickly grabbed onto his arms and legs. Now he was kicking and screaming while the other woodland animals carried him to the trough, while taking off his trenchcoat, pants, gloves, sandals, top hat, fake rat nose, and ears. "Hey! Let go of me!" shouted the cat. "Get him over to the tub!" cried Smart Guy, "Get him over to the tub!" "Let me loose, you fools! Let me loose!" shouted Warren T. Rat (who was now naked). "Get him up on the tub!" Smart Guy continued crying, "Get him up! Hang onto him! Get him up on the tub! The tub, the tub! Don't get excited! Don't get--" They managed to get him in, and, in the process, Stupid fell off of Psycho and rolled over with Smart Guy. He landed with his arms around a dazed Smart Guy's neck and looked up at him lovingly. Smart Guy pushed the fat weasel off of him. "Get the soap!" he commanded, as Stupid nodded at Smart Guy while going to get the soap. But he tripped, got up, and quickly ran past the soap. He stopped, went back, and got it, but it slipped out of his hands ten times. "Oh! Steady, boys!" Smart Guy said to those who were holding the tortured cat in the water. The soap landed on Stupid's head and bounced off. He snuck up on it and pounced on it. That only caused it to slip out of his hands, bounce off of Wheezy's rear end, and go down Stupid's throat, nearly choking him, but it went straight down. "Duh, did we have to use real soap?" he asked, feeling sick. Luckily, Stupid pretended not to notice the fact that he just swallowed an entire bar of soap and looked around for the missing soap. He couldn't find it of course. He hiccupped, and bubbles came out of his mouth. He kept looking around until he kept hiccupping bubbles again. He pat his stomach and felt the bar of soap. He kept hiccupping bubbles, feeling sicker and sicker. During all of this, Smart Guy, Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, and Psycho were scrubbing Warren T. Rat's face and laughing. Psycho washed his fur while Wheezy and Simon held him down. Greasy scrubbed his forehead while Smart Guy scrubbed his teeth. Smart Guy began singing again, and the other woodland animals joined in. Smart Guy: Now scrub good and hard It can't be denied But he'll look mighty cute As soon as he's dried Smart Guy, Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, and Psycho: Well, it's good for the soul And it's good for the hide To go--'' Warren T. Rat: ''"Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" Stupid was still hiccupping bubbles. He tried holding them in until he hiccupped so hard, sending his skyrocketing in the air. He hiccupped one last time, causing the last bubble to come out of his mouth, followed by his beanie, and pop, causing the hat to land back on his head. "Whew!" sighed the weasel, "I feel much better already." By this time, Smart Guy, Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, and Psycho were tying blue ribbons in Warren T. Rat's fur. "Ain't he sweet?" Smart Guy smiled. Psycho sniffed the cat. "Smells like a petunia." he said. Greasy placed a wreath of flowers on Warren T. Rat's head. "He sure is cute." he said. "You'll pay dearly for this!" Waren T. Rat snarled. "Supper!" Kairi called to the woodland animals, banging the spoon against the cauldron. "Supper!" Smart Guy exclaimed happily. "Food! Hurray!" Greasy, Wheezy, Simon, Psycho, and Stupid cheered, as they ran back inside, dropping Warren T. Rat into the trough. "Brrr! Brrr! Brrr!" Warren T. Rat screamed underwater. When he popped his head up out of the water, he sat up and pouted. "Humph!" Category:Fan Fiction Category:Snow White Category:Snow White Fanmake Category:Snow White Parodies Category:Snow White spoofs